Change the conversation…with yourself

If you stop to think about it, we talk to ourselves more than we talk to anyone else. We are our own angel or demon. Our own helper or hater. The way we talk to ourselves is an area of being human that is rarely brought up, even in counseling or mental health situations.

Is your self talk positive or negative? Do you encourage yourself to pull yourself up by your bootstraps as keep going? Or are you your own worst heckler?

I have been on a wild and traumatic personal ride for the past four years. At times I even considered talking myself out. Most of this time was hazy, in pain physically or emotionally, confused and anxious. In short, it’s been hell. Just this year, 2020, have I been able to pull myself up above water. I’ve had to change the way I talk to myself in order to make my situation better.

Like so many others, I was subjected to a series of unfortunate events that broke me. Many days, and weeks, and months I wanted to just give up and succumb to my awful fate of brain injury, cognitive disability and abandonment. Living in a loony bin started to sound nice.

But one fact kept me from giving up entirely: This is not the life that God wanted for me, and my life is not for me to forsake as it belongs to God.

So in my daily, or hourly, or minute by minute struggles I came up with a soothing phrase to encourage myself, “That’s okay, just keep going.”

“But I hate this and it hurts and I hate my existence and I don’t want to do this, I want to curl up and die.”

“That’s okay, just keep going.”

“But my life is in shambles and I started off so good and then things happened and now everything’s fucked, and I don’t know how I got here and I’m so lost and miserable.”

“That’s okay, just keep going.”

And after some months, maybe six or seven, I really have a very poor concept of time, I’ve been able to evolve my self talk as things have gotten better. Now what I say to myself is this:

“My brain is healed. My heart is filled with love and hope. My mind is clear and focussed. I’m happy to be alive.”

And I will continue to say this to myself as I’m waiting in line at the post office or trying to calm my brain down to go to sleep. And when the time is right I will naturally be inspired to make a new phrase.

I invite you with great compassion to play with some encouraging phrases for yourself. Or if it feels right simply use mine.

“It’s okay, just keep going.”

Only the Good die young

I have become my father. Quite figuratively. I spend nearly all of my time out of doors. He was always on his porch. Sitting on a bench carved by his deceased best friend. There he would sip his coffee and listen to the local rock n’ roll radio station. Or be listing to the Beatles, The White Album for the 1008th time and singing along. Come noon a satisfying crack, busting open the sweet bliss of the goddess of hops. And he would sip and sing, sip and read the newspaper, sip and pet his dogs, and sip and stare off into the forest, his eyes engaged in a projector reel of his own life somewhere in space between the trees. Many deep sighs came from that bench, and shaking heads of disbelief. He chooses to stay in the forest. Away from the world he no longer understands. I have be come my father.